true randomness-please don't look for substance

There are some things in life that make me laugh. I laugh when I see someone get startled...which is so goofy because I HATE being startled! I laugh at 'the office.' Michael Scott is my favorite tv character. It's so uncomfortable, so funny. My husband Steve makes me laugh. Most people have no idea what a goofball he is. It's one of the things I love about him! My girls make me laugh. They inherited the goofball gene from Steve.

I had a bible study today. We talked about needing God. We talked about the times in our lives when we realized that we TRULY NEEDED God - not for some end-time salvation plan, but needed him - get through the day - needed him. I'll never forget when it first happened for me. It was not all that long ago. Bradenton, Florida...not a lot of laughing going on those days. We were adjusting to illness, a new home, new schools for the girls, money stress, loneliness, no church (building or otherwise). I came to a place of sheer desperation - the kind of desperation that can't be manufactured. It just emerges in waves.

And I'll never forget the unmistakable sense of 'someone-ness.' I knew God was there. Sometimes more clearly than others and always when I was at the end of my own means. I wonder why that is...that he is so clearly present in immense difficulty. I want to foster the 'need for God reality' each day. Can it be done?

I am beginning to learn things about following Christ that I never saw before. I grew up under the mantra of a "personal relationship" with Christ. Now I see it that it cannot survive if it is merely personal. And maybe it was never meant to be just me and God against the world. Then again, if I never have those times where I wouldn't make it through without him - if I always fill in the space with other people - will I learn that he meets my every need?

Random and not really going anywhere, I realize that. That's just where I am today.

Friendship Calendar

Friendship Calendar of Events

Happy Anniversary, Steve

Happy Anniversary, Steve! I can't believe it's been 17 years.

You're my best friend. You make me laugh more than anyone in the world. I love to travel with you and I love to stay home with you. I love to dream about the future and I love to pursue our dreams together. You know my heart and you handle it with great care. You are the best!

I love you!

$3 latte

So I talked to a girlfriend of mine last night. She spent a month this summer in Costa Rica and Nicaragua. She and her husband had the opportunity to meet the children they sponsor with finances that help clothe, feed and educate. It was an unbelievable, life-changing trip.

She tells me that nurses in Nicaragua make about $3.00/12 hour shift.

I thought of that as I paid more than $3.00 for my vanilla latte this morning.

Something's messed up & I think it's me.

I see heaven through my dad

Learning to face life honestly is one of the most beautiful things I have learned from my dad. He has the ability to face whatever circumstances life throws at him with the most honest, God honoring perspective. Some would say he is a pie in the sky optimist. But if you live closely to him, you know that he struggles just like anyone else in the world. The difference is that he takes all his honest, sometimes gut-wrenching feelings and circumstances to God first - he writes, he prays, he seeks. And he doesn't stop until God leads. That optimism you see is an utter dependence on the Creator of the Universe.

I love my dad. And I appreciate the aspects of heaven he has taught me.

Thanks, Dad, for being you and for sharing yourself with me and so many others.

questions

I think I could fill a journal this morning with all the questions I have (and have actually filled quite a few pages - at some point you just have to stop). It's
reminiscent of my college days. I was riddled with questions that seem to go nowhere and seemed to keep me in a constant state of unsettledness.

Thanks to God's grace, Jesus' sacrifice, and the Holy Spirit's presence many of those old questions no longer haunt me. I do, however, have new set of questions. And I'd be lying if I said I am feeling settled.

Foremost in my mind are these: What does it look like to live missionally in a small town? Is it too ambitious &/or wrong to use a business? How can I be sure my motives are pure? Is it right to move forward no matter who is on board or not? How drastic of a lifestyle change is God leading us to? Who exactly are we called to minister to? How do we find out? Is it foolhardy to jump in? By not jumping in, do we risk God lessening the desire?

I guess I go back to what I know...I know that we are called to recognize Jesus in the everyday...That he has given us the privilege and responsibility of partnering with him in restoration of the world. Caring for the hurting is key. Love above all else is what He requires. He is in control and his timing is perfect. It is more about 'being' in his presence right now than it is about 'doing' his work. I'm not running away from the possibilities (not sure what that means, but it is something I know).

I've never been a patient person.

today's quote

“I know of no great men except those who have rendered great service to the human race.”

- Voltaire [Francois Marie Arouet] (1694-1778)
writer, philosopher

Rendering great service...that is where Steve and I are seeking God right now. What service, what need is he asking us to meet?

I have this anticipation, excitement, anxiety that continues to fill my gut. I know God is leading us. I have pondered possibilities that a year ago would have seemed ridiculous. It's freaky what happens when you ask God to allow you to see the poor, lonely and disadvantaged as he sees them. It's inescapable. It's haunting. And you just want to be a part of something.

As I read Acts 1 today, I see that the disciples felt the need to replace Judas after Jesus ascended into heaven. I'm not sure why they felt the number needed to be 12. But for today I will follow their lead. I am praying for 10 additional people that God may be leading to be involved in this 'whatever it is.' It's not really even the kind of thing I can invite someone to be a part of at this point. It's so nebulous. Maybe that's God's plan. I know he's been working in me in surprising ways.

My over-reaction to that silly, lonely turtle yesterday was a confirmation to me that loneliness wrecks me. I want everyone to be connected in real, loving friendships. We often learn our worth through those that love us, so who will show the unloved their worth?